As a mom, I would like to think that I'll always have the right answer - the right words, the right reactions, the right amount of patience. This morning I had none of that.
Being a parent is teaching me about new things - among them, the limits I didn't know I had. New amounts of love I didn't think possible, new abilities to wake up (willingly) at 3:00 a.m. if my beloved needs me, and new limitations on just how much "aaahhh!!!" I can take. Somehow, this last limitation took me nearly ten months to discover.
You're probably expecting a long list of all the bad stuff Daniel did this morning, or the one giant disaster he caused. But he was fine - in a good mood, even. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was my Nyquil hangover. But whatever the reason, this morning was a bad morning.
I guess I'm mostly surprised at how quickly that "I need to get out" feeling arose. Most days, it never happens. But this morning all it took was 30 minutes of feeling like ever other word out of my mouth was "Daniel, no..." as he managed to bee-line for the TV, the stack of DVDs, the one shaky table, and every other baby-hazard in the room. His energy level reached new heights and suddenly my patience reached new lows. For the first time I felt like I had no idea what to do with him. I couldn't make him laugh, he didn't seem to want to play with me, and I felt inadequate.
I snapped. I needed to get out, get away and get some fresh air. I got dressed, loaded Daniel into the car and headed for church. I checked Daniel into the nursery as he looked at me with "Mommy don't leave me" eyes. I left him anyway, and head to my office to catch up on work I missed while sick.
As soon as I sat down in my office, Sobfest 2007 began. Absolute breakdown. Tears, anger, the whole nine yards. Poor Fernando came and found me halfway through. The guilt of not knowing how to parent is overwhelming, and even worse is the feeling of Daniel not needing or wanting me. I think I cried for 45 minutes, not knowing even what about exactly.
I felt awful that I even needed a minute away from him - what kind of parent am I? I feel jealous when Fernando plays so well with him - wrestling and evoking uncontrollable laughter from Daniel, who rarely laughs that way with me. I feel hurt when Daniel pushes away from me, or wants me to put him down... then embarassed that I'd get upset at a baby for his actions.
After I ran out of tears, I went to pick up Daniel, who by some mistake was in the wrong classroom. He was a mess - hungry, tired, wet - and entirely needing his Mommy. And for that instant every wrong was righted - at that moment he needed me.
We drove home, and as I unload him from the car he curls up on my shoulder, sleepy and sweet. We change his diaper and cuddle under a warm blanket for a bottle before naptime. He's currently passed out, snoring quietly, with his rhino in one hand and a blanket wrapped around his legs. No doubt he's storing up for his next bout of energy while dreaming of a world where wall outlets aren't plugged. My little man.
