Weeks 1 & 2: The Nursing Nightmare

Having survived pregnancy and delivery in tact, I was ready to conquer the next big hurdle: nursing! I had done all my homework on nursing positions, correct latch-ons, feeding schedules, and so on and so forth. This was going to be a breeze - I just knew it! After all, that's what boobs were made to do, right? :)

It never once crossed my mind that it wouldn't work for me. Not once. Being such a big baby, Daniel came out, well, starving! I had 3 different lactation consultants come in and watch me nurse only to tell me we were doing everything right. They said I had very flat nipples (too much information, I know... but this post is about nursing... you should have expected it...) and they gave me a shield to wear to help "draw them out". It worked, a little, but also taught him to bite hard with his gums. Ouch.

Starting on day two, I couldn't help but feel something wasn't right. He was screaming during latch-on (sometimes for 20-30 minutes solid), and was nursing for very long periods of time. Like, 50 minutes at a time. I was bleeding significantly (so much so that he would spit up milk AND blood) and he was losing weight fast. He ended up losing more than 10% of his body weight in the hospital, and they started supplementing with formula.

After we went home, the nursing got significantly worse... he seemed hungry all the time, still cried during latch-on, wasn't gaining weight, and I wound up with clogged ducts and 2 severe cases of mastitis - half of each breast was beet red. I cried all the time, feeling like a failure for not being able to feed my own son, and hating the fact that I dreaded seeing him... he had become a source of pain... a mini torture machine. My nipples were long gone by this point - I won't even describe the grotesque disfiguration.

After a few weeks, (yes, I post-dated this entry!) he had gained only one ounce, my tear ducts were shot, and the bonding was definitely not where it should have been. The pediatrician told us in no uncertain terms to switch to formula immediately - and to quit breast-feeding - that my stress level was not good for Daniel. And I have to tell you, I have never been more relieved. I continued to pump so he had some breast milk through the first month, but then I quit (pumping was one of the most objectifying experiences of my life... I hated it!). Daniel started gaining tons of weight, and caught right back up. His energy level increased, and there were no more mealtime tears.

So here's the kicker. Two weeks after I quit everything, I look down and notice that his tongue is decidedly heart-shaped. I had noticed before, but this time, it triggered a memory of something I had read somewhere. I googled it and learned about a condition called "tongue-tie" for newborns, where the skin that connects the tongue to the lower mouth plate is too short. I read the list of symptoms for baby and mother - and discovered that this was definitely our problem. Every single detail lined up - even the graphic description of the extreme nipple damage was right on. The part that hit home was the emotional strain on the mom - it said that the level of pain was so severe for the nursing mom that they almost always have to quit breastfeeding in order to maintain positive feelings towards their baby.

I finally felt vindicated. Nursing didn't work for us, but not because I was doing something wrong. Not because I wasn't strong enough to handle the pain. There was an actual physiological reason. Why the pediatrician or lactation consultants didn't catch it is something else entirely. Apparently 5% of infants have this condition, and the procedure to fix it is short and painless.

Anyway... it's over now, and my body is once again pain-free. I have never been happier :) Daniel is thriving on formula, and our bond is alive and well - I couldn't love him more. Crazy as it sounds, I love feeding him. I even like the middle of the night feeding, where I get to gaze into his beautiful brown eyes, just the two of us, surrounded by the peace and quiet of night, as he greedily takes in a full meal. After all, I am his mom. I am the one that gets to nourish him. And while it's in a different way than I expected, it's no less fulfilling. :)