My Sweet Boy

I keep waiting for the big signs. The billboard from Daniel that tells me he is not happy about baby sister being here. I keep waiting for the "I don't like her anymore" or the "When does she go back to Ethiopia?"

And in looking for the big signs, I overlooked the little ones.

He shares his toys and plays with Violet. He is excited to see her when he comes into a room, or when we pull in the driveway. He says he loves her and delights in making her laugh. This morning he even hugged her and told me, "Look Mommy, we love each other!"

Everything on the surface is fine, but underneath the water isn't so smooth.

He constantly role plays with his toys a scenario where one is crying because they miss their parents and aren't happy until they are reunited. If you ask where the parents went, they always went on an airplane (once he said "to get baby sister"). But he never cried while we were gone.

He hasn't regressed in a "I want to be the baby" way at all - and he's very calm and understanding when I am taking care of Violet. However, other things have started happening. His potty accidents have increased as have his listening issues - he tunes us out in a way he never did before. He doesn't like it when Violet touches him, usually scooting away and staying just out of reach. And at least a few times a day, he is either emotionally and physically distant OR overly affectionate with us.

I suppose that everyone who's ever had a second child wonders if they have "ruined it" for their first child. (Which is funny because just weeks ago, we wondered if we had "ruined it" for Daniel by not having another child already!)

It breaks my heart to see Daniel like this. I think I have cried more for him this week than collectively in his three years. Fernando and I were in the kitchen last week, struggling with this very thing and Daniel ran up and asked for a "family hug". He wrapped his arms around our necks and said "I love you guys." More tears.

Like us, he has to grieve the loss of his family. It won't ever be the way it was, and for a three year old brain, that's tough to grasp. And I think without meaning to, we suddenly started treating him differently - like "big brother" - and asking too much of him. And I think we realized that maybe we had been babying him too much before - not letting him grow up as quickly as he was ready to.

It's a tornado of emotions this week in the Amaro house, and strangely, I think Daniel (not Violet) is at the center.

I know this is a process... I know he'll survive... I know it will be great to have a companion for him... I know I know I know.

But all THAT doesn't make any of THIS any easier.

What does help are the other small signs I see him displaying - the ones that tell me his love for his sister is already growing. The way I hear him talking to her when I'm not in the room - the way that her smile can make him smile - the way he wants to crawl in the bath with her - and the way he put his favorite curious george stickers on her bedroom door when we weren't watching.

Little man, I am so proud of you. And I love you more than you will EVER understand (at least until you have a kid of your own!).