SAHM Wannabe

Daniel has been in full-time preschool from the time he was 7-weeks old. Both Fernando and I had to work to make ends meet, and the preschool at our church (and place of employment) was and is a wonderful environment. Christian teachers and curriculum, bright colors, structured days, creative outlets, online video monitoring, and so much more. And honestly, with a few exceptions, I didn’t have a strong desire for life to be any other way. Daniel loved his teachers, formed true friendships that are still intact, and Fernando and I were able to be a part of a fun ministry team doing jobs that have been challenging and fulfilling. It was the right thing for our family.

But something new has surfaced in me: A desire to be at home, all the time. It started when Violet came home. And at first I thought it had to do with her, and wanting to be home more for her during her attachment period. But the more I dug, the more I realized it actually had to do with me.

Like he tends to do, God has been changing me. Softening my preconceptions of what the gender roles in my marriage and my home would be like. Yes, I still think husbands and wives are equal and shouldn’t be bound to what our culture tells them their roles should be. I believe this with all my heart.

But I cannot ignore the piece of me that desires (more strongly than I ever imagined) a new role in my family. One that I had previous looked down on.

So here’s my confession of the “I wants” of right now.

At some point in my life, I want to stay home with my kids. I want to be their primary nurturer. I want to be in charge of forming their character and minds. I want to be selfish with every minute of their days – with each memory. I want to be in charge of our meals, lovingly and creatively feeding our bodies exactly what I know they need. I want to run our home. I want to elevate it to a level of cleanliness and organization that just hasn’t been possible so far. I want to greet my husband at the door each evening with a smile, a hug, two clean and happy kiddos, and dinner cooking on the stove.

But that’s not all. I still want to work – but in a different way. I want to grow my photography business. Take on more sessions than I have been able to with a full-time job. Expand my equipment collection and try new things. I want to contribute to the family income through this avenue in a very real way.

So this is my "someday" dream. Can we do it now? No. The numbers don’t add up, financially. And honestly, I'm not ready to leave my full-time job. But do I believe that it’s something God has for my family in the future? Yes. Absolutely. So, we’ll make a plan. We’ll work hard and dedicate ourselves to being the best stewards of our resources that we can be.

And maybe in a few years, I will be there with Daniel comes home from Kindergarten or first grade, full of playground stories and a backpack full of homework. I will be there, ready to greet him with a hug, his favorite snack and my undivided attention. Because that’s the most important role of all.