Week 8: Accustomed To His Face

Today was my first official day of work since having Daniel. I'm a product of the multi-tasking generation ... in college, a typical semester included taking 20+ credits, working two part-time jobs, volunteering in a few places, and still having a social life. I not only managed to stay sane, I actually enjoyed the chaos. So I assumed that being a working mom wouldn't be a big deal.

Part of being a good multi-tasker is the ability to compartmentalize pieces of your life to deal with them on an "as needed" basis. But I found out today that it's simply not possible to place my role as a mom in one of my handy little compartments. Or more to the point, it's not possible to set aside that compartment to focus on other things.

Work was fine, actually. I enjoyed being back, and seeing people I have missed over the past 8 weeks. But my heart ached for Daniel all day. I surprised myself by choking up a little when Fernando and Daniel left for the morning walk that I usually take Daniel on. And again when I came home and Daniel smiled at me ... something he apparently hadn't done all day.

I had a hard time focusing on one thing for more than an hour and a half ... and then I realized it was because my body had settled into the rhythm of Daniel's schedule, which was made up of hour and a half intervals. I kept noticing the time, and wondering what he was doing just then.

I have heard it said before that having a baby is like wearing your heart outside of your body... and it felt true today. And my heart was miles away from my body all day long.

If you've seen "My Fair Lady", you'll recall a song at the end of the show where Professor Higgins realizes that he's in love with Eliza. He hadn't understood the depth of his affection until she suddenly wasn't there - and somehow, while a completely different situation, these lyrics describe why today was so hard for me.

I've grown accustomed to her face
She almost makes the day begin
I've grown accustomed to the tune she whistles night and noon
Her smiles, her frowns, her ups and downs
Are second nature to me now
Like breathing out and breathing in
I was serenely independent and content before we met
Surely I could always be that way again and yet
I've grown accustomed to her looks, accustomed to her voice
Accustomed to her face

I knew I loved Daniel, I just don't think I realized how much until today.