Month 23: The Spotless Mind

Parenting isn't all sunshine and daisies.

Sure, there are millions of unforgettably sweet moments. But sometimes it's tough going. Sometimes it's a maze of guilt, obligation and confusion... and any parent that tells you otherwise is lying through their teeth.

After all my "I Never Want To Forget" lists, here's the first "Things I'd Rather Forget" version. It's a risky move, but if we can't be brutally honest about our parenting experiences, we'll have no hope of teaching our kids how to one day parent their own kids. (And Lord knows I want the best for my grandkids!)

So, here goes nothing.

I'd rather forget...

- The way Daniel lets his arms go limp when he doesn't want to be picked up.
- How sometimes he doesn't want to be touched OR let go. Impossible to make a right move.
- The blank look on his face right before (or after) hitting someone. It's scary, and distant.
- The times he only (and inexplicably) wants one parent over the other. Heartbreaking.
- The awful horrible feeling that my rookie parent mistake caused Daniel physical pain. (The lightbulb... the stroller... the bathtub... I could go on.)
- His stubborness and refusal to say "sorry".
- Daniel's manipulation... I hate the feeling of being "played".
- The guilt of leaving him at daycare. Even though he's happily playing within 30 seconds, walking away is still brutal.
- The feeling that he's happier at daycare than he'd be with me, at home.
- The stranglehold worry has on my life. It's amplified in the last two years.
- The jealousy when he wants to be held by someone else.
- How when I look at a playground, I only see the potential accidents.
- When he doesn't want to be picked up OR put down.
- The sickening feeling of time slipping through my fingers.
- The full understanding of just how much I have to lose.
- The feeling of having to cool down and just walk away. That swell of anger and frustration... and that split-second of understanding what causes someone to hit their child. This could be the worst feeling in the world.
- The slippery trap of TV... and the guilt of realizing that I'm "that parent".
- Knowing I can never re-do the time that went by.

Well, there you go. Brutal honesty. I can't help but wonder how much of this changes with a second or third child, and how much of it is just part of the parenting scene. I suppose we'll find out soon enough!