"Until today" are the key words in the previous sentence.
I guess I finally let myself really imagine saying goodbye to Daniel as he left for college. I completely broke down. My hands were wrist-deep in cookie dough, and Daniel was on the couch. He turned when he realized I was crying and kept repeating, "Why do you have a sad face, Mommy?"
His sweetness only made me cry harder. "Because I'm going to miss you when you leave someday!" (I'm pretty sure my tears went into the cookie dough at this point).
"Oh Mommy!" he said so earnestly. "I am NEVER going to leave you! Don't cry! I will stay with you forever!"
(More tears. Couldn't get it together. I washed my hands and sat with him on the couch. He curled up so close that it made me cry harder. I didn't realize that was possible at this point.)
He hugged me and kept saying sweet things like, "I want to stay like this forever, Mommy." And it actually calmed me down. I thought my bought of tears had ended.
But then a little flash-forward moment of clarity flattened me. Suddenly his demeanor shifted and it was as if I was talking to an adult Daniel in his little body. His panicked "need to stop Mommy from crying" voice went away and he spoke calmly but seriously:
"Mommy, when I go away I will miss you, and you will miss me. I love you very much. But I will visit you a lot."
And if you thought I was sobbing before, you should have seen me then.
In an instant, his sweet panic returned and he hopped up. "I know what will make you happy, Mommy!" He ran to his room and brought back his new blue camera. "Mommy - taking pictures makes you happy! Here... use my camera. I will show you how."
And between a few funny photos and a warm, fresh batch of cookies, I regained my composure.
It is impossible how much I love that little man.
2 comments:
Now I have tears too. Mike has been having a really hard time with college scenes lately too. We have not seen Toy Story 3 yet, he probably will not be able to take it. Just the preview sets him off.
Sitting here and crying... someone please send a four year-old to stop this. ;)
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